It’s the very end of my week 9 in self-isolation, so we’ve officially reached to an enough period of time for me to be a snowflake. Believe me when I say this, I’ve gone through almost every phase of the quarantine: first it started with TV shows & movies galore and I officially came to the end of Netflix. Then came the excessive reading bit (which was really good since I’ve been experiencing reader’s block for quite a while). Third phase was something that I thought I could never do: BAKING!
Though baking was challenging for me, my friends’ support was exquisite. They advised me to put 911 on emergency contacts and some offered their numbers “just in case” if I poison myself OR burn the house down. Can I even blame them? Sadly, no. I do have a reputation. Fourth phase was channelling all my mental and physical energy to work. And THAT was a ridiculous idea. PSA: don’t try it. Just don’t.
I genuinely hope this (fifth) “watching extensive amount of webinars and trying to get a PhD via Coursera” (lol) will be the last phase. I started 5 different classes in Coursera and EdX, trying to fill the 2 minutes of the day that I have left from work. Will I be experiencing a horrible burnout? Probably. Haven’t I already experienced that? Affirmative.
I genuinely thought this quarantine/self-isolation/lock down -whatever the heck it’s called in your country- suppose to be the time to finish the things that I was dreading but also time to go back to some forgotten things because “I had no time to do them.” Writing again was one of the “forgotten things” but to be real with you, I started drafting this “part I” more than a month ago. Haven’t touched it until today. So that tells you a story right there.
I had to remind myself this every day. So, if anyone has to hear this I’m leaving it here: PLEASE don’t feel obliged to ‘accomplish’ things every day. Sometimes you need lazy days, in order to bounce back from your horrid burnout and gain your motivation, concentration (and maybe willingness to live? too dark? ok.) back. Look at me pretending to accomplish self-care and becoming the kind of person that I hate — the person who says all those kind of things :)
For the past 5 days, I’ve been in emotional hell as well. Maybe that’s why I’m FINALLY finishing my magnificent rant here. I kept crying to the TV shows that you shouldn’t have been crying. Seeing a photo, hearing a voice, sometimes news (well, always news) makes me cry out of nowhere. I’m not a person who can deal with her emotions in a healthy way. I often use humour and sarcasm (aka the Chandler syndrome) to hide away my real feelings. Hell, I’m a millennial, we all are exactly like this and whomever tells you the opposite is possibly lying.
All the articles, opinion pieces, columns on self-care say “have a routine”, “call your loved ones”, “don’t think of all the embarrassing stuff that you’ve ever done just because you have free time to think and be alone with your thoughts”, “meditate”, “salute the sun like fucking Teletubbies” and “don’t call your toxic ex.” I also was flipping out because me being alone with my thoughts would be the worst combination of human history right after Trump and presidency (oops).
And I’m surviving. Not sure if I’m successful. But I tend to do not the self-care bullshit but self-reflection. Trying to turn my destructive thoughts into constructive criticism, trying not to cry because my sink got clogged, think about my purpose in life (and failing to find a purpose, I’ll find something. I hope.) and think about my entire life. All my ages. How they made me who I am today. I see most people are ‘measuring and considering their friendships and relationships’ during this already very difficult time. Well, I think that’s high-key toxic but ok. You do you. My approach is to give people time but also reach out to people. Reach out to the friends you haven’t spoken to for a while. Arrange a non-awkward Zoom call if you can (that was a trap, all Zoom calls are awkward, y’all).
Damn, also the amount of time I spend in Zoom and Skype. I’m genuinely looking forward to delete Zoom from my computer. Those days will come. Soon. Hopefully. But even though the pandemic will slow down, we’ll go back outside, curfews will end etc. (level of optimism here, wow) I really don’t think we’ll be the same again. I thought nothing has changed internally during these.. hmm let me calculate… 64 days (JESUS), it actually has changed — I have changed. I really don’t know how it will affect me in the future. But I have. Changed. If anything, I became way more emotional lol. That’s something. Right?
Another effect of COVID-19 to humanity is, I suppose, we realised we take each other for granted. I’ve been feeling this quite a lot. God, this has become such a cheesy word vomit. Ok, ehm, yes. I feel like I should have hold my family and my friends a bit tighter, tell them I love them when I had the chance etc. Last week, I met 2 of my best friends in a very social distanc-y (that’s not a word) manner. I had a sudden urge to hug them, I was actually about to. In the midst of the journey to hug, I realised what the hell I’m about to do and immediately stopped it. Also, I live alone and my parents are miles away. I used to call them maybe twice a week and receive great amount of ROAST from my dad. Now we speak every day, even though there’s nothing to talk about.
Sometimes it really takes a gigantic-ass pandemic to realise how much you actually care, trust, love, laugh and how much you take your own ‘normal’ very much granted. What keeps you going is probably the future plans, right? I’m planning a potential summer trip that might not actually happen. I’m dreaming about the simple act of meeting my friends in a bar and complain how crowded it is. I miss hugging people. Human interaction sometimes. Not the virtual connection on Skype, Zoom or FaceTime. I’m surviving another day by thinking all of those will be true soon, even though a realist side of me (that I love the most) saying “you know, this might not be soon. It actually may not happen until 2022.” Honestly, realist Zeynep, read the room. Jeez.
Also hoping this uncertainty-fuelled anxiety will go away. Remembering and reminding myself that some days will be literally awful. I will feel down and all I want to do will be just eating junk food and staring at a wall the entire day. Some days will be joyful, sun will be up and the birds will be chirping. I sometimes wake up to those days and start singing — sorry neighbours. Actually, you know what, not sorry neighbours, I do have a fine voice. Some days you will measure the possibilities to fit an inflatable pool to your small balcony. Some days you’ll bake banana bread and eat the whole thing in one sitting. Some days you’ll binge watch everything. Some days you’ll hate every single thing on TV that ever existed. And some days you’ll write an extremely boring post on Medium, whereas you should have been sleeping by now.
