I have sworn to myself not to use my Medium account for the “dear diary” moments but, here we are. I wanted to have a “dear diary” moment simply because I’m turning 25 very very soon. As every year, when a new age approaches, I look back and recap it. This year, I turned all the way back to my childhood, to the times that I thought of turning 25 and had completely different ideas from where I stand today.
When I was a kid, obviously, 25 was SUCH an old age! I pictured myself having a very stable life; a strong career (was my priority since I was a fetus, I guess), financial stability, having a family, maybe having multiple cats, a great mom, a great cook, a great friend. Little did I know, about 20 years later, I’d be smoking my 10th cigarette for the day, sipping my tea and writing those words. Needless to say, I’m none of those things that my 5 year-old-self dreamed about. Definitely don’t have a career at the moment, zero financial stability, don’t have cats (but, ok, will definitely have cats soon), still can’t cook (sorry kid) and definitely, not even remotely thinking about getting married or having kids. I may be a great friend, have to ask around for this.
To me, having a stable life is having a permanent place, somewhere that I can feel at home, that I can feel belonged. Not to feel temporary. To be fair, dear 5-year-old-self, you’ll fucking travel a lot. You’ll meet some very incredible people on your journey, you’ll want to stay with them, but life will throw you to different places. You never will want to have a stable life. The more you travelled, and the more you moved around, the more you realised that this is what you want from life. And you will be ok with it. You will not rush things. And let me tell you something, you’re a goal-oriented kid and a control freak. You will be a goal-oriented woman. But will eventually let go of your constant urge to control everything in your life. Because you’ll realise, you just can’t. I know you’re confused, and you’ll tell me “but I even planned the names of my future kids, future Zeynep (lol), wtf.” Your opinion about kids will change too and spoiler alert: No, you will not become a paediatrician.
I was constantly thinking about all those instability, and unpredictability of my life and it gave me all different levels of anxiety. Sometimes, it still does. But I learned to let go. I will never have another moment like this; not knowing where I’m going, not knowing where I’ll be in, like, 3 months, not knowing what’s gonna happen. Completely oblivious. And I made my peace with that. I’m aware I can’t control things. The unknown has always thrown me to a different direction and honestly, I’m grateful that things turned out the way it is. The unknown became the only true excitement in my life. I could be in anywhere and I can change my life completely with a given opportunity in an instant. I’m so glad that I can do that. Even though, the feeling of temporariness exhausts me from time to time, I know that’s exactly what I want at the moment. Maybe I’ll stay exactly where I am today and it’s also fine (not really but, it’s a possibility as well).
Everyone has a birthday wish for their new age — a new chapter of their life, for sure, but this year I have absolutely none. Not that nothing or nobody is worth wishing for. Not that I don’t want anything from life. I want everything and anything. But also, very tired of wishing things; wishing to proceed the next step of my career, wishing to be with the people I love, wishing my family to be healthy, wishing not to close myself to people, wishing to be a bit healthier, wishing my friends to be happy and wishing not to think too much. I’m tired of thinking and wishing. Instead, I’m ok with whatever comes with this new age. It’s not surrendering, it’s embracing. Embracing 25, the age that my adventurous mind will, yet again, show that it’ll never age. Not a single bit.
